NFL Week 12 Thursday: Be Glad This Game Isn't Nationally Televised

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh

NFL Network, I loathe you. But this coming Thursday, 11/20, I will loathe you slightly less. I'm happy to say that I won't be watching this game, even if I were paying Comcast whatever NFL Network costs.

The 1-8-1 Bengals, fresh off of tying (yes, tying) the Philadelphia Eagles, get treated to the other Pennsylvania team in the NFL: 7-3 Pittsburgh.

Now, I could talk about Willie Parker/Mewelde Moore. Or Big (Bad) Ben. Or maybe even T.J. "Throw me the damn ball" Houshmandzadeh. These guys, as well as Hines Ward's militant corpse and Santonio Holmes would be the natural fantasy plays here. I have to talk about them. This is a fantasy sports venue, how could I not talk about fantasy sports?

Well, instead I think we should examine some of the lessons Ryan Fitzpatrick, Harvard graduate, has learned as QB of the Bengals this season (semester). As explained through the Harvard course catalogue.

Science A-36: Observing the Sun and Stars.

Astronomy. Say it aloud. Feels good, doesn't it? Man has often looked to the stars for meaning, or, in the case of numerous early sky-gazers, persecution. James Harrision and Lamar Woodley of the Steelers are definitely going to be roleplaying as Catholics during this game. Mr. Fitzpatrick should get several chances to see the beauty of the night sky at Heinz Field on Thursday.

Economics 980j. Europe and the US: Comparative Economic Analysis

Sometimes I wonder what happened to NFL Europe. Mr. Fitzpatrick sometimes catches himself saying, "The defensive backs in Rotterdam bit on those pump-fakes all of the time. Where the hell did Polamalu come from on that play, I double-clutched!" After taking this course, Mr. Fitzpatrick should have a pretty firm handle on the difference between real NFL players and the squad he sees each week in practice.

Applied Physics 341,342. Nano-Lasers and Single-Photon Sources

Had Mr. Fitzpatrick studied harder in this class, laser-clad mechanized offensive linemen might have done the trick to keeping Carson Palmer on the field and Mr. Fitzpatrick firmly on the bench, books in tow.

Government 2321. American Politics: Power, Structure, Behavior

Although he's taking it pass-fail, Mr. Fitzpatrick thought it might provide some insight into the massive failure of his franchise. If he doesn't drop it before Thanksgiving.